Let’s Be Real, I’m Sorry

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I’m sitting here at my kitchen table, working on my laptop. Trying to work. Trying to focus. I’m failing. I can’t concentrate because I’m hung up on a mistake I made. Let me warn you, I have to be intentionally vague here, and won’t go into the nitty gritty. I desperately want to fix things, not make it worse. I will say though, this is my personal life, not my professional. (but yes, I make mistakes in both)

What I need right now is my Mom and her objective viewpoint. The pain of losing her, not being able to pick up the phone, and vent or cry is unbearable at times. Sure, I can call a friend, but it’s nowhere near the same. I need my Mom. I need someone that knows me inside and out. Someone that will tell me when I’m wrong, but still love me unconditionally.

I’m human. We all are, right? We make mistakes, and that’s how we learn. I get that. But this time I don’t know what to do. I apologized. I reached out and said, I want to fix things whatever it takes. But, I can’t control the other person or persons and will them to react with acceptance. I can’t rewind life and handle things differently. There’s no delete button, or Men in Black memory eraser like the neuralyzer.

Why am I blogging this? What’s the point of me sharing? Ha, well I don’t really have an answer for that either. Maybe it’s therapeutic. Instead of sitting here crying my eyes out, wondering what it will take to “fix things”, I decided to use writing as a distraction. I’m not perfect, and even if I had the option, I wouldn’t want to be. Life is better when you get lost, or learn from the unexpected.

The thing is, I’m a fixer. I don’t like to see people hurting. I want to fix them or distract them. I want to take away the pain. But right now, I have a knot in my stomach. At night I toss and turn, running things over and over in my mind, looking for the elusive answer. Maybe, there’s not an answer. Maybe the only solution is time. Admitting you made a mistake isn’t fun. Living with regrets, well that sucks too.

Do you have a go to person when dealing with issues like this? A fairy Godmother?

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